Book Review: Jessica Against Bruce, Sweet Valley High #86
The A Plot: I guess it's appropriate, given my last post, that the overbearing sexism of Soap Star is followed immediately by a battle-of-the-sexes book in which Bruce Patman and Jessica participate in what is, essentially, a 130-page dick-measuring contest.
See, Bruce is tired of how "boring" and "predictable" Sweet Valley has become (and I never thought I'd say this, but... word, Bruce Patman). His solution? To start "Club X", an exclusive hush-hush club whose members perform dares in order to a) throw Sweet Valley into chaos and spice things up, and b) prove how bad-ass and macho they are. Club members are chosen for each dare by the "random" spinning (more on that later) of a modified roulette wheel that is equally divided into sections containing the existing club members' names. Like Fight Club, Club X has some rules: to get in, you have to successfully complete a dare of the club's choosing; once you're in, you're in for life (huh?); if you biff a dare, your section of the wheel gets bigger, thus improving your chances of having to perform the next dare; oh, and No! Girls! Allowed! I guess the rule about not pointing out that the club name is lame is silent but implicit.
Of course, the "no girls" rule is what drives the aforementioned dick-measuring between Jess and Bruce. Once Jess learns that Bruce thinks (or claims to think) that women are weak, wimpy, and will "cry for help when faced with real danger," she and her friends hit the roof, and after several cafeteria debates/shout-downs between Jessica's table and Bruce's table, Jessica sets her sights on getting into Club X.
I have to admit, the cafeteria arguments are actually pretty shocking in that a) Sweet Valley girls cite actual relevant examples of female bad-assery by the likes of Sally Ride and others to make their point, and b) the Sweet Valley boys actually have the nerve to say things like, "Women claim to be all nurturing, but then they want someone else to raise their kids so they can go to work!". Jimminy Christmas, that's bad. The fact that the book tries to be feminist in overall tone somewhat mitigates that statement, but the fact that an "argument" that heavy-handed and ugly is articulated in a novel aimed at teen girls without an immediate and complete smack-down and social ostracising of the jerkwad who dared to utter it is, in my opinion, much more damaging than any of the superficial "You go, girl!" "feminism" the book attempts later on can make up for.
So anyway, Jessica muscles her way into the club (her inaugural dare is to drive down the hill from Bruce's house in the dark with no headlights) and somehow, the wheel keeps landing on her name time after time, defying the law of averages and resulting in more and more dangerous dares from Bruce. After a climactic dare in which Jessica is forced to walk the length of a railroad trestle (during which, of course, a train comes along and almost kills her - try harder next time, train!), Jessica twigs on to the fact that Bruce has fixed the roulette wheel to always land on her name by putting a magnet under it, re-fixes so that the magnet is under Bruce's name, and charges him with ruining a school assembly that - gasp! - Elizabeth has a major role in, unbeknownst to Jess. Will Bruce ruin the assembly? Will Elizabeth, who thinks Club X is dangerous and stupid (of course she does, and she's half-right) be furious? What will happen if Bruce is caught?
This review is already too long and we haven't even gotten to the lame-ass B plot yet, so I'll give it to you short-hand: yes, yes, and he'll turn in his club members to Chrome Dome, which will in turn piss them off and lead to Club X's disbandment, natch. While parts of the A plot were actually entertaining (Jessica, when dared to steal a car and drive it to the Dairi Burger, steals the 1Bruce1 Porche, which is awesome), the fact that any Club X dare not assigned to Jessica is lame and sad (seriously, one of the dares that someone has to perform is to fly a homemade flag reading "Rock 'n Roll 4-Ever!" from a tree on school grounds - scandalous!), coupled with the largely-unpunished sexism from male characters, the involvement of the local "Teen Help" hotline, which both Liz and Jess call for advice on the Club X conundrum (which, what? Couldn't they just ask their parents or their girlfriends, like normal people?), and the fact that we have, yet again, Elizabeth on the sidelines being all sanctimonious, ultimately turn this book into an eye-roller.
The B plot: While most Sweet Valley B plots stink in general, I think this one has to be one of the all-time worst, and not just because it features Elizabeth at her most goody-two-shoesiest. Well, actually, come to think of it, that probably is why. Man, is Liz a kiss-ass.
Sweet Valley High, being the most perfect school in all of America, is chosen as a stop for the "International Teacher's Project" which features Teachers From Around the World (TM) coming to schools in the US to study how American kids are taught. Like teachers from such third-world countries as France and England need Mr. Collins to show them how to teach English Lit, or something. Anyway, so of course Chrome Dome needs students to show them around, and of course, first-class apple polishers Enid, Todd and Elizabeth are chosen to be part of the "student delegation" that is charged with the mission of selling the foreign teachers on how terrific SVH is. Everything the teachers say and do is stereotypical of their home country, so the English teacher is stuffy and proper, the French teacher is always referred to as "Madam" so-and-so (and Elizabeth actually busts out all, "Bienvenue a Sweet Valley High", which totally impresses the pants off of her, like, hello, one of Elizabeth's classes is French! You learn "Bienvenue" in the first five minutes of your first class! That is not impressive, French Teacher!), and the Indian teacher has a melodious and "hypnotising" voice. I'm surprised the Japanese teacher didn't refuse to eat the cooked fish in the cafeteria and demand sushi instead. So, the stereotyping is irritating, but not as much as the fact that the teachers are constantly getting led into places where a Club X sexism shouting match or dare is taking/has taken place and are shocked - shocked, I tell you! - at what they see. Apparently, kids in Japan and India never, ever shout, listen to rock music, pull essentially innocent pranks, or talk about being attracted to members of the opposite sex. Seriously, when the teachers see the aforementioned lame-ass "Rock 'n Roll" flag, you'd think the kids had hung a naked blow-up doll from the tree by their reaction, all gasps and reddened faces and "This is not done in my country!"s. Whatever, sheltered foreign teachers.
But even more annoying than the teachers and their ability to be scandalized by absolutely nothing is Elizabeth and her vortex-like ability to suck up to anything resembling an authority figure in a 50-mile radius. Every time the book describes her "friendly smiles" and "How do you do?" greetings and shock and hurt that Jess could not care less about the teachers' visit and won't put a stop to her club's activities while they're there, and how important the International Teacher's Project is to her (why? She only just found out about it, and they're only there for a week, after which they will be forgotten and never mentioned again. There's no conceivable reason for Liz to care this much, except for her never-ending need to be the best at everything, all the time, regardless of actual importance, which, shut up, Lizzie.) make Elizabeth even more unbearable than usual. And that? Is hella unbearable.
The Micellany: Because this book immediately follows Soap Star, the plot of that book is heavily referenced. When the twins talk about the raging sexism debate at school over dinner one night, Ned marvels again about Liz wheeling and dealing with the Jeep salesman, and Alice also points out that Liz changes the oil herself like she's cured cancer or something. We girls can do anything! But, in typical Sweet Valley fashion, these sops to feminisim are undone by the fact that Jess is still conscious of how she almost "wrecked" her relationship with Sam by caring more about herself than him. When will she ever learn that girls can't have interests of their own, or that if they do, those interests must be put aside the second your boyfriend starts talking about his own? Silly Jessica!
