Book Review: Soap Star, Sweet Valley High #85
The A Plot: Jessica's favorite soap opera, The Young and the Beautiful (I know, right? Why didn't they just call it The Wakefield Twins and be done with it?) is holding auditions for a set of twins for a one-week-only story line. Of course, Californian good looks are a must for the part, which makes our girls the perfect fit. The problem is that Elizabeth, eternal wet blanket that she is, hates soap operas and everything they stand for! They're, like, totally against her morals! How will Jessica get her to see the light?
Of course, Jessica eventually finds a harebrained scheme to get Elizabeth to the auditions and they get the part without even auditioning. See, once Liz gets wind of Jess's deceit (Jessica had typed up a fake nerd-bait invitation to a focus group to get Elizabeth to LA, but put the studio's address on the letter so that they ended up at the audition), she throws a hissy of massive proportions right there in front of the casting director, God, and everybody and then storms out. The casting director is clearly an idiot, smoking crack, or both, because not only does she wear her hair in a beribboned cone ("like a unicorn's horn") on the front of her head, she thinks Liz's tantrum is actually a guerrilla audition, and she's so impressed that she casts the Wakefields on the spot, without bothering to let anyone else audition!
Dude, this is just the first thirty pages, and I don't even know where to begin with the mocking. The unicorn horn - is this the author's shortcut for edgy and creative? Has she ever actually met someone who was edgy or creative? I mean, the answer is obviously no, because Sweet Valley is so clearly without edge or creativity that the worst thing the "bad" kids at SVH do is drink and go for second base, just like every other whitebread teen in America, but this is beyond the pale as far as cluelessness goes, even for Sweet Valley. I'd go on, but we have the rest of the plot to content with.
So, after Jessica convinces Elizabeth to take the role (I'll spare you the details, because of course Lizzie caves like a wet paper bag), Jessica is swept up in the glamor of working in Hollywood. She begins being squired around town with her "charming" co-star, who Elizabeth dislikes, so when he's revealed to be a jerk who was just using Jessica for publicity, it's no surprise at all. In the meantime, Jessica is "neglecting" her boyfriend Sam, who throws down on a date when Jessica seems distracted and issues an ultimatum: either Jessica stows her own interests and lives for him, or they break up. Er, rather, Jessica stops "ignoring" Sam, or they break up. Will Jessica see how "badly" she's treating Sam and "come to her senses"? What do you think?
I don't think it ever dawned on me how sexist these books were until I read the scene between Jessica and Sam on the beach. I mean, he's all, "You're more excited about your role on the soap opera than you are about our relationship and my dirt bike competition! It's all you ever think about!" And I'm like, yeah, homes, this is her big break and it's only going to last a week, so shut up about your damn dirt biking and let your girlfriend be excited about something that has nothing to do with you, yeesh. Maybe this is the reason that so many women think they must be available to their men above all else - the Wakefield twins taught them the value of keeping your man happy, even at the expense of yourself. Bravo, Francine Pascal Ghost Writer of the Month!
The B Plot: The legendary red fiat is starting to become unreliable (as my esteemed co-blogger Alison noted, it's about time - they've had that car for 20-25 years at this point), and so the twins want to buy a Jeep to replace it. Naturally, Jessica wants the "flashy" model with "purple rhinestone stripes" (what?!?) and Elizabeth wants the "sensible" navy blue model with good gas mileage. The series mines the sexist depths once more in the scene where Ned takes Elizabeth (but not Jessica!) to buy the car, and of course Todd has to come along, and they and the salesman all think it's "adorable" that Elizabeth is a hardass about what she wants in her car and what she wants to pay for it. Of course, Elizabeth is annoyingly self-righteous in that scene (natch), but still, it was 1990. It's not that revolutionary that a girl might know something about cars. Oh, and since Ned doesn't love Jessica and only takes Elizabeth to the dealership, guess which Jeep they get?
The Micellany: One thing that I (love to) hate about the Valley is how the authors always try to drop big, clunky pieces of exposition into the dialogue, instead of the narrative, where they'd make more sense. Like, they'll have Jessica say, "Oh, look, The Young and the Beautiful, our favorite soap opera, is holding a casting call for twins!" to Lila, and I'm like, doesn't Lila know what her favorite soap is? I'd remind the writers that their readers do, in fact, have brains and can spot this stuff, but the comments included on the inside cover from the "Reader of the Month" would just prove me wrong.
